Dresses & Italian Silk
by gacktchic
Summary: I hope you guys have as much fun reading this as I had writing it. Go into this with an open mind! Sanq is having another ball, and our heroes go shopping.


"Oh lord." Relena face went white, stricken as she flopped onto the bed, her hand over her heart. "Oh my god."  
  
"Enough with the religion lesson, Relena, no need to be dramatic about this all," Noin said dryly. Duo gave Noin a thumbs up and a wink.  
  
"That's the spirit!" Duo cheered.  
  
"Are you in love with all things dull?" Relena asked in a miffed voice. Noin's blue eyes narrowed as she shoved Relena off her bed.  
  
"No, Relena, I'm not. I just like gray a lot. I mean, what other color goes better with my hair?" Noin asked in a mocking tone, putting on a valley girl accent. Zechs laughed. "What's wrong with gray and silver? I have blue in there. Hmm, look who's talking. At least I don't go walking around in an Easter-happy lavender skirt and some thick parka-like crocheted white sweater."  
  
"Hey!" Relena said, all the joviality smacked off her face.  
  
"Alright! No fighting!" Sally exclaimed.  
  
"When did Noin get so hot tempered?" Heero asked.  
  
"Never criticise a woman's wardrobe. Unless you don't know her. Then it's perfectly alright. As long as they're not a celebrity and you're more status-wise connected with more money-" Dorothy was cut off as a sweat dropping Quatre raised his hand for her to stop. "What? You said you wanted to understand females, right?"  
  
"He's got 29 sisters, what's there left to understand?" Duo asked.  
  
"Ahh!" Catherine screeched.  
  
"What?!" Relena exclaimed.  
  
"I just saw a Jude Law look-a-like!" Catherine screamed. The men were stampeded over by a bunch of wild women. They stared in amazement as the girls crowded around the window, swooning and squealing like pigs on cocaine.  
  
"Ooh! He's so cute! If he has a British accent I'm going to punch him out and rape him!" Hilde cried out. Duo grumbled.  
  
"You aren't raping anyone, Hilde," Duo yelled. Hilde smiled.  
  
"Of course I won't, darling! With my looks, he'll be willing!" she teased. Duo sarcastically laughed.  
  
"What do you mean with your looks? What about my looks?" Dorothy demanded.  
  
"What about them?" Noin asked dryly. Duo hooted. Five minutes later Noin and Dorothy were sent to different corners, threatened that the others would call the police if they tried to start another brawl over the Jude Law lover boy. Trowa rolled his eyes. The so called Jude Law look-a-like had turned the corner ten minutes ago and they were still cooing and making X-rated comments.  
  
"Is it just me or is everyone in Sanq shopping for the damned party today?" Wufei grumbled as he was yet again, smothered by another two ton forty-five year old woman sprinting towards the bathroom.  
  
"Well, everyone is invited, and the party is tonight. Us Sanqers are all last minute people," Relena confided confidently. Wufei snorted but was instantly stamped over by another two ton woman heading for the powder room. One ton behind, one ton in front. (If you know what I mean ^_-)  
  
"Let's see, this is a formal event. . . but can't there be some strippers?" Dorothy asked. Quatre shook his head, blushing. "My little Quatre is so good in that department."  
  
"What?!" Sally exclaimed, turning her blue eyes on a stammering Quatre.  
  
"This nice guy act is just that, an act. He's a real tiger in bed, aren'tcha, Quat-baby?" Dorothy teased. Quatre's mouth twisted in annoyance and Dorothy's grin turned wider.  
  
"Let's just get this thing the hell over with," Quatre growled. Catherine's eyes were wide.  
  
"That's just scary. I mean, if even Quatre isn't nice all the time. . . damn, the next thing you know Heero's going to smile," Catherine mumbled. Heero turned, easily walking backward and gave Catherine the benefit of a smile that would put a jack-o-lantern to shame. Catherine's face went ashy and she hid behind Trowa. Noin laughed and gave Heero five bucks. Relena shot lasers at the many women and girls directing their lusty stares at Heero. He was looking his same, fine self today, except even better. He was dressed in black slacks and a white dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up to right below his elbow. Se-xxxy!!  
  
In fact, a lot of the female attention was directed to the GW men. And the GW women were too busy deciding whether to glare or to smile flirtatiously at the many men looking their way. Or at least Noin, Hilde, Catherine, Dorothy, and Sally were. Relena was whimpering like an abused dog as she saw nobody gave her a first glance, forget about the second. Suddenly, a man popped up, linking his arm through Noin's. Zech's face turned to stone and he turned to face the man. The indignity! But this guy. . . *phew* was even taller than Zech, just perfectly muscular with glossy dark golden curls, green eyes and a smile that could charm a dragon to tame- pokemon-land. He led Noin to a glass window display, said a few words, handed her a card then dissapeared as suddenly as he had left. Noin, looking bewildered and flushed came back, disposing of the card immediately.  
  
"What did that jackass want?" Zechs growled. Noin flushed pink.  
  
"He said I had what it took to become something all women dreamed of. That many women fought for but could never get. Something that paid over genorously and which put all my natural flair to work," she said mysteriously.  
  
"A model?" Trowa guessed. Noin looked even more embarrased as she shook her head.  
  
"Nope. A porn star."  
  
"WHAT?! I"LL RIP THAT F*CKING ASSHOLES HEAD OFF!" Zechs roared. It seemed women these days liked a man with a spine. They crowded ever so closer now. Zech's gettup resembled Heero's almost exactly, except that he had put on an ever so tasteful OZ belt, cause we all know how good those look. Noin tried to calm the fuming Zechs down. Duo offered Noin his half finished icy lemonade to throw on Zechs. Zechs offered to precariously hang Duo feet first on the second floor and see how long it took until his gut dropped out.  
  
The men got their clothing done first, as it was the easiest. Or at least that's what they thought. Until each one of them demanded to have specially tailored silk tuxedo's with material that was out of stock and made only in the most southern tip of Italy in December. It was May. They settled for the silk made in China that cost about over two thousand dollars for a square feet. Relena's smile had turned plastic than as she woodenly handed over her own plastic. Duo had to pry the stinking gold card out of her clamped hand. Five hours later, they were on their merry way once again. Relena went ecastic over some funky pink shindig that reminded Quatre of a freshly cremated flamingo. But hey, she wasn't his date. He snuck Heero a quick look and then looked away as he saw how Heero had suddenly pushed Duo and Zechs away, having Noin and Hilde on either side of him. That message was clear enough. But then again, Relena had always been a little unresponsive. She beamed and waved, flapping around in the derranged feathered thing. Zechs finally convinced Relena to buy something less creative. His exact words had been: "Relena, sister, darling, please, can't you pick something less offensi-I mean, uh, creative? You know the politicians, can't stand to have somebody more creative than-than them."  
  
Noin had had to have Zechs eat two packs of gum after lying through his teeth like that. So, Relena bought a slinky black flapper's dress. Zechs choked on his wad of gum and had to have Trowa whack him on the back. Heero still had Noin and Hilde close by him. He even went so far as to wave to the salesgirl, who immediately fainted. Relena promised Heero that she would personally prosecute the girl for setting eyes on him. Next, Catherine picked out a soft pink, glittery strapless thing. Wufei did a double take as he saw the dress was the same one Relena had tried on. The effect that girl created. She made everything look gaudy.  
  
Sally tied back her curls as she went into the dressing room and came back out in a shimmery green ball of poof. Very original. The Wu-man seemed to love it. He actually kept his mouth shut. And if the Wu-man didn't like something, he spoke up. Sally actually looked normal in it, if not a bit glamorous with her hair up and the bright lipstick off. Duo grinned as Hilde slowly took his choice of dress and went to try it on. She came back out, wearing the samething as Relena. Except she looked forty-five times sexier, slinkier, and shaplier. The plunging cowl neck was perfect. Duo's lower anatomy suffered greatly for the thirty minutes after that, but he made Hilde buy it anyway. Hilde had tried to protest, but when Relena and Hilde were put side to side. Relena looked like she was off to the cemetary. Duo couldn't stop laughing after that.  
  
Dorothy's turn. After being attacked by cosmetic ladies who had mercilessly plucked her uncannily forked eyebrows, she looked quite pretty. Especially since the eye salespeople had dragged her in for a contact fitting. Her eyes were now a darker shade of blue. And that nasty plastic yellow head band was gone too. Quatre looked on cooly as she came out in a golden dress that resembled her skin. Skin. Mmm. He could go for some right about now. He saw Catherine shooting him a concerned stare and just for the fun of it, slitted his eyes and bared his teeth. She was off like a rocket.  
  
Noin was careful in her choice, sulking all the time about why she couldn't wear 'A goddamned pair of slacks and some friggin' dressy shirt. This mall is like some hell-trap. Goddamnit I hate dresses. I have no figure at all. Damnit. I'd be happy to see that porn guy right about now.'  
  
"No you wouldn't!" Zechs warned. Noin finally roughly grabbed the first thing the salesman gave her without giving it a second glance, too intent in her sulking.  
  
"See what bad infulences you have, Wufei? Noin's sulking like there's no tomorrow now," Sally scolded. Wufei shrugged indifferently, then he looked down and glared.  
  
"You missed a spot wo-man!" he rebuked. The ogling fifteen-year old nodded and eagerly re-polished his shoe again.  
  
"You're so manly!" she sighed. Wufei grinned.  
  
"I know," he said in a confiding tone. Sally slammed the girl into next week and scuffed Wufei's shoes in the proccess.  
  
"Shit."  
  
"What? Did you tear the dress?" Relena taunted.  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"How much?" Zechs asked in a sympathetic voice.  
  
"I dunno. I can't tell if I ripped it, or if it's supposed to be this way," Noin said in a confused voice.  
  
The salesman eagerly told her to come out. And he howled with satisfaction and hormone-overdrive as he saw Noin come out. Zechs decked him and deposited him in the trash as he came back to stare. Noin was in about the most revealing thing he had ever seen her in. The most revealing thing he had ever seen anybody in. It was a silky gray material, with bright platinum glitter designs going on in a slanted stripes, making her body seem even more lean and tall. The neckline was plunging, showing enough to keep everybody staring but not enough to be actually called slutty maybe a tad scandolously daring. . . depending on your definition of the word. The back delved deeply to right above her waist, tied up in a criss cross pattern that hid nothing. On her right leg, on the side of the dress, was a slit coming up to her thigh.  
  
"F*cking salesmen and their f*cking hormones," Zechs muttered absently as he leaned against the counter unconciously and kept on staring. Noin colored and at the now revived salesman's bidding, turned around once. And did anybody mention how perfectly the dress liked to cling to the body?  
  
"What do you guys think?"  
  
The twenty-thousand males crowding outside the glass doors and the twenty inside the store said exactly the sametime, nodding their heads. Looked like a sea of multi-covered moldy apples bobbing in thin air. "Buy it."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"But don't you think it's just- a little too revealing for a ball?"  
  
"Oh, no. Not at all."  
  
"Alright. Anybody want to help me try on shoes?"  
  
"Anybody move and I'll shoot your goddamned head off. I have a revolver in my left pocket. Blink as much as an eye and you get it," Duo growled. Hilde slapped him with a basket and he blushed. "I mean, um, don't look at my girl."  
  
"Every male! Avert your eyes, she's got a boyfriend!" Zechs announced calmly. The men reluctantly scattered as Zechs waved around his trusty long silver sword with a maniacal glow in his eye. Noin was now seated on a chair and holding a pair of strappy high heeled sandals.  
  
"Please?" Zechs dove for her.  
  
*Hmm, if I just lifted her feet up just a bit more. . .But that might ruin my pants for good.* Zechs blinked as Noin gave him a knowing glare.  
  
"Just put the shoe on, honey. You've been slowly lifting my foot up for fifteen minutes. How much room do you need?" she asked in a sharp tone.  
  
"Would you believe me if I said a lot?" he asked hopefully. She glared at him sternly. Then smiled and leaned over. His eyes were riveted to her chest. Damnit! He was friggin' 21! Shouldn't his hormones of calmed down from when he was 19? *I mean, I swear! When we were at the academy, I was like a rabid dog everytime I saw her completely dressed in her uniform! Right now, I feel like some baboon! A happy baboon, but a baboon no less!*  
  
"If we were alone I'd believe anything you said, Zechie," she whispered. In two seconds flat, he had tossed a wad of cash on the counter, grabbed Noin and was out of the mall driving 120mph on the highway heading for Noin's deserted apartment.  
  
Quatre smiled politely to everyone and noted with mild amusement at how Zechs kept on downing icy cognacs every five minutes as he watched Noin dance with every single soldier and young politician in the ballroom. Whether to keep his anger and wrath down or his hormones, Quatre couldn't tell. Probably the hormones. He put down his glass of vodka lime and danced with Dororthy. Who cared if Zechs and Duo ruined their fifty thousand dollar pants? He was doing just fine.  
  
"They love me, they love me not, they love me, they love me not," Relena muttered. Duo and Hilde just happened to be strolling by when they saw Relena plucking the petals of the poor, wilted flower. Duo grinned and walked over, taking up her flower, then slowly chanting.  
  
"I have a figure, I don't, I have a figure, I don't. Oops! Looks like even fate and destiny can't lie to the great Relena-sama," he snickered. Then he laughed like a pyscho and ran off to the gardening shed with Hilde in tow. Relena sniffed.  
  
"With God as my witness, I will belittled never again! Even if I have to cheat, steal, destroy, I shall never be belittled again!" she said, shaking her fist at the dark sky, on her feet, her head raised. Heero suddenly appeared, a bored look on his face, Noin's arm linked through his own. Relena stood, frozen and aghast at the perfect picture the two made. "Heero-heero! You-you! NOIN! You betrayer! You betrayed my trust! My beloved brother's trust! You little-"  
  
"This isn't 'Gone With the Wind' and you aren't no Scarlet O'Harra, Relena. Oops, looks like I just belittled you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go. Shall we, dear?" Heero asked icily, then his tone turned warm. Relena stared in horror as Noin smiled and nodded gracefully.  
  
As they reached the dark doorway, Noin paused and smiled congenially.  
  
"Thanks for escorting me to the bathroom. Now keep watch as I make sure Zechs hasn't drowned in the toilet bowl from all that cognac. You know the drill."  
  
"I know. If I hear any funky noises from inside, I leave and put an out of order sign on the door."  
  
"I owe you one!"  
  
From the far off distance. "WHY?! WHY HEERO YUY? WHY LUCREZIA NOIN? GOD! LEAD ME TO MY SALVATION! MY SAVIOR! Hey, what are you doing with that trench coat? No! Don't flash me! I'm Relena Peacecraft! NOOO!"  
  
"Alright, girly! I wasn't going to! I was looking for the blond with the blue contacts! I wouldn't even think about you!" Sound of feet on leaves. Sobbing.  
  
"Even a hobo won't flash me!"  
  
  
  
  
  
I know, I know, blatant Relena bashing, but it wasn't really meant to hurt the people out there who like Relena. I like her somewhat too. The story just called for a victim, and Relena just sorta sat there. Sorry if I offended anyone. I was hoping more that everybody would be amused. And if you were, two vodkas for you! 


End file.
